On Second Thought, Rationalization

It's occurred to me that the last entry I wrote about readjusting to Japan was really cheery. Maybe too cheery? Maybe not, but I do think it ended up that way because I was on a high once I started writing and realizing that things weren't as bad as I thought they were going to be. Which is good, it definitely put things in perspective and cheered me up a lot. Still, I don't want to be deceiving. We'll see how I feel about it sitting alone in my apartment tonight.

On coming home, things were very familiar, like I said, but also very inconvenient. Did I mention that nobody shovels here, as if the sidewalks weren't bad enough already? It was not pleasing to come back to an empty and lonely apartment after dragging all my shit over 6 inches of snow (and frozen sleet on top of that) because I thought walking would be easier than negotiating with a taxi driver. An apartment still smelling as badly of damp wood and sweat as it did in summer when I arrived over 5 months ago. I found towels and floors that had not dried from the moisture of 20 days prior when I left, which is an bad omen for travel in the summer. There was no food in the house and there wouldn't be until I bought it and prepared it myself, and I had to go around turning all of the water and heat back on. The damn heater smelled like burning dust for hours and took a very long time to become livable.

I'd try to earn your sympathy by saying that I could see my breath in the apartment, except that it isn't unusual because I can usually see my breath in the apartment when I get home from work each day...Oh wait, I think that just earned me double sympathy!..It bewildered me when I washed my hands with warm water and my hands continued to smoke, until I realized that in my kitchen it was only 4 degrees Celsius - 39 degrees Fahrenheit. I think this year winter will be tragically long.

I need to cover my windows in plastic or something soon, even though no one in Japan does that. Speaking of which, I was also greeted by a long list of things I'd been putting off until "after America," and mostly they're things it just tires me to think about doing.

This all that silly "haha Steph's apartment is a shithole!" talk, which is really more of an string of amusing stories than it is unbearable . On a more serious note, in the dark of night coming off the U.S.A. high, the familiarity of Japan felt almost sinister. Probably it was an over-reaction spurred by sleep deprivation, but it almost reminded me of a mother singing and stroking the hair of a child she'd just poisoned. Eerie.

There's also the fact that my mom is still very sad about my absence and I feel bad for that. She'd never want me to feel that way though, so don't tell her! At the airport I had to monitor myself a little. When I was preparing to say goodbye to my parents, I realized there was no more "we." In a matter of minutes I'd be back to "me," all alone traveling, all alone in Japan. That was probably the saddest thing, especially since I hadn't truly been alone at all for 3 weeks. Even when no one was around, there was always someone waiting for me, if not many someones. Fortunately I caught myself before I said it out loud or it would have been something she would have had to think about the whole drive back from Chicago.

But, as I said, I'm adjusting well. Additionally, the days are getting longer, as evidenced by the fact that the sun was still visible while I was leaving school - thank god. It's been a long time since that happened.

However, it's occurred to me that, because I'm adjusting so well, this is far too good to be true. One of two things is going to happen. Either, 1) it'll all come crashing down in an instant, or 2) it won't come crashing down, which means I've built a great life here which I will have to leave when I want to go back to the U.S.

Lose-lose situation, here I come!