Time and (Alotted Personal) Space

This morning before school I sat down on my uncomfortable blue plastic stool in front of the mirror and took a good look at myself. It's been a long few weeks but today I saw a face of recovery, lit by the morning sun, glowing on account of a pink and white striped jacket. Change has come naturally, and even where it didn't I've made my own.

And I am not finished.

I began fishing through my jewelry drawer for my crystal earrings, but first my fingertips fumbled across my more substantial pearls. When I looked down I saw one of the bright but modest crystal earrings beneath them, half the battle, but after hardly a thought I decided on the pearls. We're going big today.

I don't usually wear jewelry to work. These days you can get away with a classy necklace or so, but by and large wearing jewelry (and standing out from others) is considered unprofessional. The other day I wore small silver hoops and I felt like such a fancy lady, which is insane, considering that back at home I was the queen of chandelier earrings and magnificient baubbles. Forget what they say about smiles, if I wasn't wearing a bracelet, a necklace, and earrings, then I wasn't fully dressed.

Erika and I had a conversation the other day about making a statement with fashion. We don't get a lot of opportunities to do it considering we're always at school or traveling. She used to wear a nose piercing and fistfulls of rings on each hand. In fact, with most ALTs if you look at their facebook pictures from last year you can hardly recognize them. We are products of the Japanese system and it is the time of the year when we're dying to get out. I never realized how much of a slave I was to my own culture until I thought about how stiffled I felt from not being able to express my individuality. I love individuality and being able to express it, and being in a place that accommodates my need is a lot more essential than I ever thought. A person often thinks her ideas about the world are her own, until something like this pops up to remind her that cultural influence really does exist.

I changed things and I fit in and I went about my life, but just when I'd almost fallen so far out of the habit of dressing to express that I'd lost it and didn't even care that I had, here I find myself unconsciously working toward a statement. It's a good thing, too; after 9 months, they're going to need to take me for who I am over here too. I like to feel like I belong, but I think I belong enough now that my trying to stand out can finally be taken as good fashion rather than social deviancy.

Apparently I've finally hit a new point of the path to cultural adjustment. I consider this to be my first act in a long future of choosing the best things from both my foreign culture and my native culture and incorporating them into my life.

Then while riding my bike to work I was stopped across the road from a businesswoman as we waited for our stoplight. I noticed she was wearing a v-neck button-down shirt. Not cleavage-bearing, of course, but not up to the chin either. I can feel the oppression lifting. After this morning's decisiveness and another reminder that Japanese people are, in fact, Japanese people, I feel like my life is slowly becoming more hospitable to self-expression and satisfaction.

It's funny the power held in the passage of time. Learning takes experience, and experience takes time. Experiencing something a second time so you can actually learn from it takes even more time than that. Perspective is so dependent on time and experiences that you could fill a book with all the expressions and proverbs on the subject in just one language.

Sometimes at the end of a year you get so carried away with the impending change that in your head you keep thinking things like, "Wow, I can't believe it's still 2009." Then there are those other times where you're looking forward to it and unable to wait for the new year and 2010 is the golden shimmer on the horizon. Or how about when you spend a whole year just answering what the year is without really thinking about it?

Well this year is entirely different. Every time I say it's 2010 I get really freaked out, like I'm somehow living in the future and I'll wake up and it'll be 2009 again. It seems too early to be 2010. 2004-2008 was devoted to university as a solid chunk. The years passed but they all blurred together and the transition between them wasn't meaningful, in spite of the drastic events which occurred. Wasn't time supposed to stop after graduation in 2008? When I postponed my graduation to 2009 it just kind of seemed like an obligatory passage of time. 2009 was like the backpack on 2008.

Now here I am in 2010, turning over a new year in a new place. In fact, I've already turned over close to four months of 2010. If you want to talk fractions, I'm almost 1/3 of the way through the year.

Probably the most startling concept is that 2010 belongs entirely to Japan, from start to finish. I'll spend the rest of the year, and probably the rest of my life, figuring out exactly what that means to me.

Phew

Lately I've been busy and happy. I'm quickly learning that I don't do well with down time. Taking care of one's self and having time for rest is important, but I'm such a hesitator that if I have too much time to think, I can't seem to get up again. Last week I couldn't muster the energy to do anything no matter how much free time I had and I was completely drained, and yet this week I think I've spent maybe 5 minutes at home all week and I've never been happier and more refreshed. I guess I need to stick to the college approach - being gone from AM to PM makes Steph a regimented and happy woman.

Out of nowhere the other day I got the idea of visiting 2-3 classes during every lunch period to teach them a new idiom of phrase. I have 12 classes, so I wouldn't be visiting them more than once a week so it wouldn't be too disruptive for them. It also has the added benefit of limiting me to 10 minutes per class, which is just short enough of a duration that I'm able to fend off the awkwardness goblins native to the Japanese countryside.

To prepare for this, I spent the entire morning on Monday weeding through camp songs and chants. I found some pretty good ones amidst the cheesiness, but had to narrow them down further because often the language is just too difficult and punny to make sense. I have some longer ones I'll teach them over the course of a week or so, but for this week I started with, "What's up?" with answers like, "Not much," or "I'm eating lunch." Some kids are even smart enough to think of their own answers! It's a great arrangement because 1) it makes me feel like I'm doing my job, 2) the students like it, and 3) it gives me something to do! Not having a lot of face time with the students really hurts our relationship. Turns out lunch is when I get a captive audience, since they all eat in their classrooms!

Overall, I just feel good. I'm not getting much more sleep, much to my chagrin, but I'm running, sleeping well when I do sleep, and eating well. There's also the added bonus of life running smoothly. I'm making a point of utilizing the Japanese people around me who speak English, and I've had some very fluent conversations with people in Japanese too, from the new lunch lady to my hairdresser. I know I've said it before but I can't begin to describe the satisfaction that comes from a successful encounter in Japanese.

On Monday I took a (useless) placement test for my Japanese class at the tech school that starts next week. I biked there and arrived in time for passing period. The passing period experience almost knocked the wind out of me though. YOUNG PEOPLE. YOUNG PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. Since college I haven't seen more than one young strangers at a time and at that only every 2-3 weeks. Part of me was thrilled and excited for my future possibilities, but most of me was absolutely terrified. All I ever see are high schoolers and old people.

On Tuesday I got a haircut (hence the successful conversation with a hairdresser) and then rushed straight off to dinner with Naomi. She and I haven't spent much time together before now, but she needed a native English speaker to check over some speeches she'd written and we've been kind of meaning to get to know each other anyway. She took me to this great restaurant downtown, Japanese style at my request, and I learned ever more about eating in Japan. She spent a year in Australia and a year in Canada so she's pretty much fluent, but she also incorporates a lot of Japanese which is good for me, of course. It was a really easy conversation because whenever things would get too difficult for us we'd switch to our native languages and together we could parce out the meaning. I had such a good time that I invited her to eat with us when the Jackles comes to visit and we all go to the famous yakitori place.

Yesterday I had our second international club meeting for the school year and I was blessed with the chance to actually lead the club because the president was taking a test. I'd had all these great activities planned and then at the last minute again the club president pulled his, "...I don't know...maybe we should just do *boring thing* instead..." I really like him a lot, but he always poo-poos my ideas and then makes things really dry, then when we're at club he's like, "Uh...do you have any ideas?" and I'm left floundering. I can never quite tell what's on his mind and everything I say gets a leery look, even when I try to pander to him. At this chance, however, we got to play some fun name games I'd learned as an RA and I found myself actually able to joke and talk and play with the students instead of being the awkward boring lump I was reduced to during our first meeting.

The meeting was further enhanced by my resolve. Since the new year had started, the third years (last year's second years) decided to grace us with their presence again, which includes the mean girl who wears bleeding bear teeth on the weekends (see the entry in which I write about the mean girl who made me cry). I just don't like her. She's pushy. I felt like she ruined club last week even more than the boring president did, and all the younger kids are afraid of her. Finally I realized I was letting her bully me too, and if it's going to be a battle of wills I think the baller always wins. The only thing scarier than a batshit crazy girl is, well, an insulted, perfectionist Steph.

I walked into the room yesterday and I made some small talk with her to be nice (since she was dominating the rest of the group anyway and I wasn't gonna get anywhere with anyone else). I told her her sweater was "bright," at which point she responded in Japanese (she always does) and kept repeating the Japanese word for bright. I'd gone in not looking for a fight, but when I realized what she was doing, the fire inside me screamed "Bitch, I KNOW you are NOT trying to teach me a word. So I looked her in the eye and for every time she said "hade" I said "bright," until she finally said, "a! bright desu ka? bright!"

That's what I thought.

I think the new second years are following in my shoes too. They know I prefer them over the third years and each day they're becoming a little more and more obstinant. I know they won't surpass the senior/junior hierarchy, but at least they can be people again. Speaking of the hierarchy, I noticed something fascinating while we were learning each other's names. There were about 10 new freshmen, 8 second years, and 5 third years. Obviously most of the second and third years knew each other and had an advantage, but when it came to new names they responded like you'd expect - remembering some, forgetting others, but by and large being graceful about it even if they forgot names of the people in their same grade.

The first years, however, were amazing. After the first introduction, no matter how fast or mumbly, they all managed to remember every one of the upperclassmen's names and attach -sempai to the end for respect. When it came to each other, however, they literally did not remember a single soul's name even after screwing up the same name 4 times in the course of 10 minutes. I don't know if it's because they sunk all their energy into learning their seniors names or if it's a power struggle thing among their peers - like, I don't remember you, so I am superior. That seems pretty extreme and brutal, but I just can't believe the completely perfect polarity with which they divided their memories. Anyway, it was fun and I'm optimistic for the future. I'm finally being who I want and having the relationships I want, in spite of all the obstacles laid against me.

After international club I ran across town for adult English conversation. It was another successful lesson, complete with bonding and a dinner afterwards. My dinner was huge and not overly delicious, but it was free and it was fun. Turns out they're talking about moving the location so that it's within walking distance of my house. That would be awesome, but I don't want to inconvenience anyone. I did get a little annoyed though when they kept turning to me and being like, "Seriously, Steph, give us your real opinion on this. It's ok." Not only was I already giving my real opinion, but it bothers me that a foreigner should be expected to give her opinion while the room full of Japanese people can continue their charades. Though I don't like pussyfooting around, I too would've obscured my feelings a little if they were any more negative, in Japan or in America, but it's kind of ridicluous that I should be expected to behave differently when we're all trying to work together.

I've got less than an hour or two of free time every day from tomorrow until May 13th, but I'm quite pleased about it. Makes me wonder why I hate inactivity so much - do I get bored without realizing I'm bored? Do I feel guilt for unproductivity? Is it my worrying? Is my busyness a welcome distraction from the weight of the universe? Is it the promise of excitement? What?

In spite of my limited hobby time, I've been dying for a Japanese art form since I got here and I've been feeling a lot of guilt about not picking one up. There's no excuse for living in a foreign country for two years without adding something cool to your skill set. Yet, with what free time am I supposed to pick something up? Well, I've solved the problem. I've decided that while some of my friends are spending their time with tea ceremony, kendo, or Japanese archery, I'm going to be imbibing.

I'm going to learn the art of Nihonshu (sake). It'd be best if I had a human guide for my journey, and maybe I'll find one, but for now I'm just trying as much as I can, remembering the names of what I've had to drink, and spending huge chunks of time reading about sake and its various categories on the internet. The best way to combat a time crunch is to choose something you like so much that you do it naturally whether you have the time or not. Gourmet drinking and eating are two of those things for me.

Also I've got the cooking thing going for me. I'm learning an awful lot about food, how to prepare it, how to eat it, and how to enjoy it. I really, really want to learn how to make Japanese sweets someday too. I also still intend to ask around about Ikebana, the art of floral arrangment, but until I find a teacher I will be at rest knowing I've got The Drink.

To make matters better, the new lunch lady, shy of me though she is, told me today that she's begun ordering an extra katsujuu lunch on Thursdays so ensure I always get one, because she knows I like them and that I always come on Thursdays. Even if it means I'll be subjecting my body to fried pork chops every Thursday for the rest of my stay in Japan, it's a really nice feeling to know that someone is looking out for me.